no one cares for me, i keep no company

There’s so much I want to do. I want to learn computer coding/engineering. I want to work at an organization that makes a difference. I want to take pictures and draw beautiful things. I want to travel. One thing at a time, I suppose. But which?

After I posted here last night, I lay in bed for 4 hours, buzzing from the cocaine. I concocted this bizarrely thorough scheme in which our coffee date turns to sex. Though it’s the morningtime and things seem more clear, I actually think I could pull it off.

I don’t know why I want to. I think it’s to prove to myself that I can still have that power over him. I’m not sure. I feel guilty. I don’t know if I’ll go through with it.

speaking with the enemy

I did it. I saw him. We even spoke.

We actually did cocaine together and I think that loosened things up a bit. I’m not super proud of the following exchange, but it needed to happen:

L: So, is it true? You have a girlfriend?

J: I mean..it’s not official.

L: …so yes.

J: I guess.

I needed that confirmation. I also didn’t feel much chemistry, honestly. We agreed to do coffee. I continued to feel shitty, but also felt really good because the cocaine helped me socialize and act vivacious (despite thinking about J the entire time.) I’m proud…I guess. I’m still hurting. But it’s the kind of ache you know will be over soon.

Tonight, I spoke with a dear friend who I’d not talked to in a while. And within a few minutes, she gave me the best advice I’ve gotten so far.

I’m trying to arrange to go out to coffee with the ex, J, that I’m still in love with.

This impending coffee date with J has been slowly taking its toll on me. I get anxious, I don’t know how I’ll act, I try to overplan it…and then this girl, S, solved it all for me.

[If you don’t want to maintain a friendship,] it doesn’t mean you don’t care or you’re selfish in that decision. It’s just that you deserve what’s best for you, and sometimes shit gets too painful too fast before you can just delve back into moments that remind you too much of who he was and who you guys were. I feel like you can’t just welcome back someone when you are still dwelling so much on what was… because no matter what, no matter anything, i feel like if you guys were ever to become something, it shouldn’t be treated as getting back together, it should be treated as being together. period. No resorting back to ideas and moments of the past relationship because it didn’t work out for issues that you guys had to deal with together in a lot of ways. At least fighting and stuff. So, no matter what this coffee is going to become, friends, enemies, anything… treat it as something new. Not something returned, or brought out. Pretend its a first coffee “date” not for more than platonic. But it’s a first time, “let me get to know who you are right now in this moment and not compare it to anything I’ve felt or anything you’ve done for me in the past” which might help ease some anger and some heated memories. Not the butterflies really though. I’m sure those will stay.

This is exactly what I’d needed to hear. I’m keeping it forever. I need to treat him as a new person, not as the boy who broke my heart last October…because for all I know, he may have completely changed who he is.

To the first one that broke my heart:

I ran back to you when J hurt me. I thought that you’d offer support, comfort, and a reminder that someone still cares about me. You did, but it was fleeting.

Now, it’s been weeks and I haven’t heard from you. I won’t give you the satisfaction of knowing I was waiting around. I don’t miss you as much as I miss J. You were different breeds. I miss you caring about me.

I miss when I wasn’t so selfish.

Dear J,

Here it is. Yet another note written to you that I’ll put on my secret fucking blog and that I’ll never have the guts to send to you.

I’m not okay. I am especially bad this morning. Yesterday, I was sorting through my e-mail inbox and came across old messages from JGR. This morning, I wanted to clear my documents folder, and came across an old chat transcript with my oldest friend, C. She and I don’t speak anymore.

I hate losing people. Why do I get so close to them when they only disappoint and hurt me? I don’t want to do it anymore. I wish I were strong enough to be an island.

I’m reading Chinua Achebe. I read the line, “The sounds of women wailing settled like a sediment of sorrow on the earth” and I burst into tears. Could that be the most beautiful sentence I’ve ever read? The alliterations and lilting sounds?

I miss you. Yesterday, those two fucking couples on the subway and in the restaurant tore me to pieces. Why am I sitting here pining for you when you’re off with this new girl? She seems great, by the way. I wish I were kidding, but I’m not.

I miss you. I hate you. I still love you. Nothing fulfills me. I’m off medication for the first time in years, and it was too soon. I have no motivation to do anything, and so I don’t. That’s not true. I’m actually doing a lot, it seems, and yet extracting no pleasure from it.

I don’t have anyone left. The one person in the world that I feel most understood by isn’t even someone I know very well. And, she’s in South Africa.

Camera Obscura was right. Let’s get out of this country.

Still yours,

L